With news breaking of the St. Louis Rams moving back from the Gateway City to their original home Los Angeles, speculation has run ram-pant. And while we can’t provide answers to such burning questions as: “Who will own the @Larams account on Twitter?,” or, “Will Stan Kroenke ever visit St. Louis again,?” or, “Who will SB Nation’s Ryan Van Bibber will root for now?,” one thing we do have a grasp on? What a new Rams logo should look like to best ingratiate the franchise into the fabric of LA culture.
“Ramses,” the bronzed god of ungulate beach worship
With the move out west, the Rams have decided to get their beach bod on in a big way. Bronzer for days? Tanning oil? Those weird sunglasses they hand out at tanning salons? All check. Completing the picture is of course the Rams adjusted diet and lifestyle. Gone is the hearty Midwestern fare found at any number of be-sneezeguarded strip mall buffets in the greater St. Louis area. Here to stay is a bevy of alternate diets engineered to optimize max “swole” for flexin’ competitions along Ventura’s Muscle Beach.
“Hang on and give St. Louis another chance?” Try, “Hang 10, DUDE!”
The relocation efforts for the Rams really began in earnest all the way back in 1998. As the story goes, Stan Kroenke had a hankering for some wave action one December morning and thought it a good idea to try surfing on the Mississippi. A few hundred thousand dollars down the drain in marketing costs and an early blizzard ruined “Kroenke’s Christmas Carve Up Ol’ Man River,” and he soured on the town at large that same Yuletide season. Now, content to be carving up the coastline from San Diego’s Trestles to LA’s famed (and crunchy) Hermosa Beach, Kroenke’s leadership has given the Rams new found appreciation for surfing. What better way to speak to their inner-self, once constrained by the Midwest’s complete lack of surfable waterways.
The Los Angeles
If you can’t beat ’em, emulate ’em! Kobe Bryant has more championship rings on his own than the Rams franchise has in its 70-plus years of sustained mediocrity. While we’re at it, maybe Kroenke should recruit the Mamba to mentor the promising Todd Gurley and the giraffe disguised as a quarterback known Nick Foles.
The Los Angeles Rams of Hollywood Hills
Lights, camera, touchdown! Kroenke is a smart and savvy business man who understands synergy like no other. A la The Mighty Ducks and Angels in the Outfield, the relocated Rams oughta take a page out of the Disney playbook. Crank out a “zero-to-hero” screenplay about a woebegone franchise that faces the looming threat of a cranky owner hellbent on relocating his team to a more prosperous and wealthy part of the country if the team can’t win the Big Game at the end of the season. Featuring Larry the Cable Guy as Jeff Fisher, a jacked-up Ludacris as Todd Gurley and a giraffe from the LA Zoo as Nick Foles.